Tsoness’ blog

Wow....there has been a lot that has happened. Cannot blog like I used to - that is so sad.

So God has revealed my husband to me and we have met and we are now so inlove :-) I have a separate journal for this one. He lives far from me though. He is in Durban and I am in Johannesburg (sigh). I recently went to Durban to see him. Originally, I had decided beginning of the year that I needed a holiday in Durbs - alone. Then my company wanted to do some work in Durbs and I wanted to take leave and my Love was there...so that looked like a plan. I announced it to my pastor (more as work) and mentioned that I would be meeting Lincoln (Love of my life). Then complications occured. God called us to praying 3 hours a nigh together with my pastors, in a fast as well. I could not see how that would work with me in Durban. On top of that, the work part of the deal got cancelled. This meant I did not HAVE to go, it was all up to me. I did not inform my pastor that the work part was cancelled. I decided to go anyway. I prayed, I fasted in Durban. But I also ended up living in his apartment because we experienced complications with accomodation. There was a big sporting event in his town and places were fully booked. That was not good at all and we were concerned about how wrong it could all look. Then of course there was 'the temptation' but in the end we managed not to allow it to go that far. My conscience was eating me up though because I had withheld information from my pastor, my mentor. She picked it up (she picked everything up). After all, she is a prophet. I knew she would pick it up. I just convinced myself that I would face the music when I came back. She even sent me an sms that asked me to not 'grieve The Holy Spirity'. That was hectic.

Anyway, I came back. She called me in. She told me that she had 2 issues to sort out with me. She started by saying, " I know you lied to me about Durban." Then she said, " ...anyway, that is not the main issue. There is something much more serious to discuss and sort out. Now, tell me about your past. Have you ever been involved with the occult?"

That is when I found out that I(brace yourself!):

 - am a Satanist in training
 - am a pathological liar, schemer, deceiver, controller, manipulator
 - am a hectic flirt (my ex was right after all)
 - have spirits of sexual perversion - men are drawn to me sexually and I am prone to sleep with anyone who  gives me attention (so I am not sexy, I am just basically a sexual trap, a slut, a dark abyss)
 - come out of my body and travel with my spirit
 - have light and darkness working in me, 2 personalities type of thing
 - am the door through which the evil spirits have attacked the ministry, especially Pastor Cynthia
 - am more of a New-ager than I am a Christian

Ya...

How could I not know this was happening to me? Am I possessed? What is going on? What does this mean? Does it mean I have been faking my salvation? I dont know that I do these things, so am I possessed? Can a Christian be possessed? (Oh, I am a New-ager by the way). What have I been doing all those years in the church? Are my tongues even real? My visions? Is anything real about me?

Tracing the origins:

When I was 15/16yrs, I came across a book titled, "Psychic Magic Powers". Actually, I bought it. My life at a time was miserable. My parents had divorced. My mom was broke, depressed and distant. I was suicidal. I had too many encounters of sexual harassment and my friends were getting raped left right and center. I was Adventist. Most importantly, I believed there had to be more to life than the trap i felt I was in. I could not reconcile the book of Acts with my stale religion at that time. I needed power to get out. I needed supernatural power. Thats when the book came and told me that I could get out of financial, emotional and social bondage. I bought into it, thinking that if I learned how to use that power, I could help others as well and maybe even get rid of all rapists in the world. I began talking to unknown spirits and practicing a few things. I was only able to achieve getting a R50 to my mom by from nowhere and playing with 'the spirit wheel'. Spirit wheel was a circle drawn on paper where you had to make a thing called pendulum (string with ring dangling from it) that helped you ask questions and get answers. You ask a question, the circle is divided into 4 parts named Yes, No, Maybe yes, Maybe no. So, the pendulum held between your fingers would swing to the answer.

Had I gone further with the book, I would have been able to: control people's minds, read minds, see through walls, move objects without touching them, call wealth, etc I never got that far. I came accross another book " The Art of Meditation" which pointed out that absolute power destroys absolutely and that what I was doing was morally wrong because I am taking 'choice' away from people. So, I got rid of the Psychic book. The other book was also a bit New Age. I read a lot of new age books before and even a bit after being uMzalwane. I denounced the spirits after I realised that I have opened a door. I thought that was over. Apparently everytime I step out of line in my walk, I gave them a licence to come back to my life. On top of that, my grans spirits want me.

So, now they want me to be a seriel fornicator or die. As it is, I am not allowed to hug anymore until all of this is sorted. I hope you are fine... and thank you for staying strong throughout my stay. I nearly destroyed you. So, for Pastor, it explained my Durban behaviour so we did not get into it.

Satanist...
That was a blow! I cried like I was watching my own coffin descending into the earth's belly.

How do I trust my thoughts? How do I believe anything that comes out of my mouth? Who am I, what am I?

That Friday was night prayer on my behalf with Pastor Papi, Pastor Cynthia and Lekunutu. Had not even spoken to Lekunutu. I felt...confused. Had no idea my life was so messed up. Will tell you what happend on my next post.

God is a God of grace indeed. So many times I get it all wrong. I complicate things. My human nature gets in the way of my happiness. I get all clouded with confusion. I push my own agendas. I sin. I fall. I struggle to get up. I condemn myself. I am tempted to regress, to pull out. I get up. I go on. I win.

This is my journey. I have been called into the office of a Prophet. My prophetic gift is stuck somewhere between religion, non-submissiveness and trespasses. It sucks. Once in a while, there is a manifestation. I know deep inside that this is not it. I know that somnething needs to break. That something is me!

I stand in my own way. I block my own path. Sometimes I am just being naive, sometimes careless, sometimes stupid and sometimes just plain rebellious. How is it that God still calls my name, still gives me promises, still holds me close? I will never really undersatand that.

I want to have a closer walk with God. A much closer walk. The Bible says that "Enoch walked with God". I like that. I want that. I want to be a person after His own heart like David, be called His friend like Abraham. I want to negotiate with Him  like Moses, walk powerfully with Him like Elisha. I want and crave so much more.

When I look at where I am, I wonder if I will ever get to where I desire to be. So many times I lived in the fear of doing it wrong, following my own mind, doing things in the flesh. This has paralized me a lot. It tied my hands and feet to even trying out the things God told me to do. Doubt is a horrible thing. To have that cloud of ' what if you are wrong' hanging on you, terrorizing you....I hate it!

I have decided that I would rather be wrong than be paralized by fear. I would rather make that mistake so that I know what the mistake looks like. This is the only way I can know what not to do. Then I can move on from that, try something else. I will do this until I get it right. It reminds me of the parable of the talents. I dont want to be that guy who went and hid his talent because of fear. Fear turns you into a coward. When you are a coward you hide things, you hide yourself. You are always trying to protect something from an enemy that is in your head. Its crazy. Goes along with such things as 'Fear of failure'.

My pastor talked to me and told me that I am too other-people-conscious. She said that I need to be more God conscious to be used effectively by God in my ministry. It reminded me of the verse (I think it is in Isaiah) that says something like, ' why do you fear mortal men more than you fear God? If you fear man, God will make them a terror to you' - well, something like that.

So, I need to be more brave - bold like a Lion of Judah. That is my prayer focus right now.

I want to get out of all those boxes that are keeping me prisoner. I need to manifest as a child of God. The kingdom of God needs to advance and I want to be part of the whole process. After all, I am here to see how the devil was conquered. It has all been won already.

I think I should just concentrate on stories in the Bible where God overcame on behalf of ordinary men. I need to get my faith up to a peak.

I dont want to just live under God's grace, I wnat to live in His supernatural. I want more, more more!

Lord Help!

Gee, I have not managed to blog in such a long time. A lot has happened. I will briefly state them because I need to update this:

Prophecy has gone out about our ministry: As it is right now, we are not many on our church. God has promised that a multitude of people  are coming our way. We need to prepare for that,. Not only is a multitude coming, but the manifestation of The Word is also promised. The Word is going to become flesh in our ministry. There will be miracles that will draw people from across the world. The government will know about us. People will come see who we are only to find out that we are just ordinary people. Only God will do it, no man!

I on the other hand, personally, have been in training still. I am seeking to walk closer with God. He has spoken to me about intimacy. He wants more of me. I had discovered that I had put a wall of religion, doubt and fear between God and I. That had caused me to not hear Him properly when He spoke to me. Now that I have early morning devotions that Lekunutu and I decided we needed, things are better. All I know is that I want to be closer. That takes a lot of sanctification. I am not there yet but I am gettting there. His grace leads me and enables me to take one step at a time. It has been a lot o f trial and error. I am growing nonetheles.

I discovered and realised that there are a few things that I need to urgently attend to:

• I must not fear man. No man or any attempt to please man should deter me from doing the will of God.
• I need to learn to obey quickly and immediately. Putting off things gives the enemy a chance to sabotage the mission. When God wants somethig done, He releases the annointing for it at that time. I must not miss HIs timing.
• More love, more love, more love 
• Less of my own plans, my ideals, my ways, even my opinions - more of Him
• Guard against envy and pride (very, very, very important)
• Guard against the spirit of lust (all sorts of lusts)

• Due to our Friday Night Prayers, our Sunday services have escalated to a higher level
• The past Friday Night Prayer (22 May 2009) something broke in me. I prayed and I was overcome by His presence and I cried from the depth of me and I felt something break. I know I needed it. I was parying in line with having more love, being more obedient and hungering for more of God. I asked The Holy Spirit to do something new in my life and that is when it happened. It was odd but it felt like release, being set free from something. God is Faithful.
• I have been shown the guy I should marry. He also called, arranged to meet and we fell inlove after spending 8 hours with each other (and this was our initial meeting). Now I am in a courtship and I am head over heels inlove. I know. It is strange and maybe extreme but this is my life. This is how things work in my life now. I do not live an ordinary life - not anymore. 

My personal prophecies:

• Financial abundance
• My prophetic opening up
  
• Healing annointing (Lekunutu more in this area)
• Promotion
• Intimacy with God
• My children shall be taught of The Lord

So, my pastor calls me in for an unpleasant consultation with her. She first tells me that she has been struggling within herself with the message she has to give to me. She just did not want to, but she has to. The problem: my attitude.

She has felt that I had 'resented' her sometimes because of things she has had to say to me. She felt I was  not submissive to her as a leader, that sometimes my feelings rises up against her in certain instances but then I pretend I am fine while I am not.

I listened to her and wondered where all of that was coming from. I got a bit emotional and for a while I felt misunderstood. Then I decided that maybe there was something in there that I should pay attention to. I went home and talked to God just like I was ordered.

I realised that the pastor was right.

See, before I became a pentecostal Christian, I was 7thDayAdventist. I gave about 11yrs of my life to that church, believing everything they told me was the gospel truth. It was not. In fact, there doctrine uses fear to keep you as a slave to the law, making you think that you 'work' your way to heaven. They don't see it that way. It took God to take me out of there. Most people never get out. I trusted the leaders, I trusted the church and its doctrines. It was a shock to find out that I had been swimming in the sea of deception all this time. It was a shock! It was as if someone had just told me that my parents are not my real parents and I was not born on the 28th of April. Life-changing...life-shuttering!

Since then, I have been kinda skeptic and defensive when it came to 'spiritual leaders'. This little fact was hidden somewhere in my subconscious. Only when I went to God with what pastor said did it come out. I had to dig for it acknowledge it and give it to God. There had in fact been times when I had wondered ' what if Pastor is wrong? What if she did not hear from God? What if she is just insisting in her own ways?

These questions are legitimate, dont get me wrong. That is why it is important that we do not use servants of God as pychics or the like. We have a responsibility to hear from God ourselves. The Holy Spirit is hear to lead us unto all truth. Anyway...my questions. As I said, they were ligitimate. The problem was that, instead of listening and going back to God to check it,  I would just resist. In resisting, I would eventually feel guilty and then go to God to check it out. Smetimes I would not go to God. I would just comply (but not in agreement) because I felt I was not given any othr choice. Funny enough though, I would not think about it in those words, I would just act it out without even analysing it. I never sat down to think about it, to admit it to myself and to try to find out why this was happening.

I talked to God about it now that it was out in the open. I expressed my fear of falling into deception again. I was comforted by being reminded that I survived deception before because He took me out personally. I was told not to worry. I was at the right place. And besides, if I was not at the right place, God would take me out at the right time. I was assured of safety, of guidance and of truth.

Pastor Cynthia is like an Elijah to me and me, an Elisha to her. She is here to mentor me - God's human vessel to train me. There is so much need for mentorship in the Body of Christ. I feel blessed and honoured that I was provided with one of the most God-fearing and accurate prophetic leader in the Kigndom. Her type is rare. Before I can be trusted with The Call, I first need to serve. That is just how it is. I am happy to do that.

So, no more resentments and rebellion against my mentor. It really is not wise. Yes, I must question what she says but I must question God about it. I must pray until I get my own answers.

Lord God.
You are not an idol.
NOt made by human hands.
You are not mute.
You are not deaf.
You hear me.
You answer me.
Without fail...

Thank You

My colleague, Lebo, stuck these words on my computer so that I can see them everyday. I am truly grateful for that. They have made such impact to my life. They actually get me to pray more than I used to.

The last meeting I had with my pastors, they said something about 'praying right'. Pastor Papi mentioned that it was  important how we pray. Based mainly on the night prayers, he mentioned how we should be in one accord. It made sense to me (not at that moment but later) when I read about the day of Pentecost in Acts. It says that they were all gathered and in one accord when the Holy Spirit came upon them like tongues of fire. There is power in unity. Imagine people gathered together and channelling their spiritual energies (for lack of a better word) toward one focal point (again, for lack of a better word). How much spiritual power will be evoked? Wow....

Now, what does it take to get to that point where all of you are in one accord? This needs investigation. I shall blog about the soltion once I believe that I have found it.

The Spirit Of Truth shall not deny me the answer.

Blessed be the name of the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY - Creator of heaven and earth.

pentecost

training

Oh my...it has been hard. I never thought that there is so much to Christianity. I mean, I used to think that going to church and trying to stay out of trouble was pretty much the basics. If I had to go a step further, I would also witness - but that would be for browny points. Man was I wrong!

Right now, I am aware that I have been called to a Prophetic office (been aware of it for a long while). I am being trained by a wonderful woman who is very gifted and is still growing in her gift. At one point I would be seeing visions and then...nothing for a long while. This puzzles me because I am not sure if it is because of something I am doing wrong. I know however that I need to grow in love (in the Fruit of The Spirit). I think I am improving in that area though, but only experiences will tell.

Anyway, we have started all-night prayers on Fridays. We have had 3 so far. I am hoping my body will get used to the idea of not sleeping every Friday night. Thinking about it, there was a time i did not sleep Friday nights because I would be out partying. Well, this aint no partying. Prayer is a fight. I guess one needs to want something from God enough to subject oneself to non-sleep every week.

The prayers are about revival, mostly, and also about personal breakthroughs. Wonderful things have happened since the prayers - wonderful testimonies. For instance, 3 weeks ago my boss issued us with retrenchment letters that announced that 4 people out of 7 have to leave the company in 8 days. It was hectic. I did not freak out because it is God, in the first place, who told me not to leave the company beginning of the year. Added to that, my job is not my source, God is. To cut the long story short, 3 (instead of 4) people were retrenched. The one other person put back on the list is a Christian colleague. I was retained and on top of that offered majority shareholding (after my boss of course). To be honest, I thought that my boss did not consider me to be a valuable asset to the company. I was shocked. God is great!!

I can say that I have been going through a period where God is not trying to entertain me but rather to spur me on towards the real hardcore stuff of the spirit. I have been reprimanded for attitude, words, conduct, thoughts, habits, etc.
I have to grow and empower the inner man. Christ has to manifest through me. Less of me and more of Him. I need to learn humility, because love is humble and kind but not foolish.

I also need to spend more time with The Holy Spirit and with The Word. These are ways to learn to sharpen my discernment gifts. I have to put in all I can to have an intimate relationship with God - not one of pretense or works  but one of love and obedience. I have to grow from one  level to the next in hearing God.

Though it feels like a tough journey, it is neither by might nor by power. The Spirit of Truth is right there to make sure that things happen the way they should. All it takes is yielding. Yes...the yielding s not easy because human nature is essentially against it. The more one yields, though, is the easier it becomes.

Lord, I am Yours
Teach me how to submit
How to be an instrument in Your hands
How to be a vessel of honour  - empty of self and ready for your infilling
How to listen
How to love you so I can love others
How to walk with you, talk with you
How to see what you see
How to react like You   would
How to manifets Christ in me the Hope of Glory

I love how You love me Lord!

As the work begun in me is being brought into completion by the Author and Finsher of my Faith!

Good tings r gwan!
   

voxing:-)

The original purpose for this account was for me to document what was happening to me spiritually because I sensed that these are great and wonderful times that I will need to someday come back to and trace my walk. I sense that I am going through a phase of 'becoming' that is going to set a tone for the rest of my life. I need to remember events as they happened. As a result, I find it highly important to be totally honest.

This blog is not really for people, I actually do not care if even one soul never reads it. It is more like my diary with God. I feel like God is reading it (and helping me write it).

It is unfortunate that I have actually missed an opportunity to document a few other  posts because life just became so busy busy. So, those things that I take too long to record, I will just mention briefly. If I go into too much detail, I might just start making things up. That has to be avoided.

Anyway, that's that.

I dont know why I felt a need to explain

update

I had a session with my pastor, who of course is my mentor. She is particularly my mentor because she is called in a  Prophet office and so am I. She is very far ahead of me. I just kinda came back from backsliding. Anyway, the lesson was on Love. She was explaining to me how important love is in exercising any spiritual gift.  I like how God confirms things. I am in a middle of a 40-day period I was told to have. During this 40-day period, I am to meditate on the fruit of The Spirit which essentially is love summed-up (while eating just raw food).

Apparently there are 5 people in my life I have withheld 'love' from and need to start exercising it. My suspicion is as follows:

 - My brother
 - Chad
 - Nicole (my boss)
 - Tim
 - Nkuli
 - Loyiso (dont think so but maybe)
 - Motseki
 - Kefilwe
 - Tshireletso

I have to figure out which 5 of the above are the people that were specifically mentioned.

The preaching on Sunday also emphasised on 'Entering God's rest'
It made me realise how I have trying by y own strenghth to 'make spiritual things work'. It has been as if I am trying to twist The Holy Spirit's arm to do things through me, especially when 'thngs' have not been happening. That is dangerous because then I might end up creating scenarios that are not there  and mistakening them as spiritual manifestations. You sort of become a miracle chaser instead of a God chaser. That is how some cults start.

I need more time with God. I need to spend time with Him and just fellowship with Him more. I need to know His voice even more. I need to know and experince His character so that I do not become tricked by a devil posing as an angel of light.

I need you more and more oh Lord
Make me over again please!
 

growth@hand

I mark this day.

Today is the day that I begin my 40-day purification process. Based on arguments of what a fast is or is not, I will avoid calling it a fast. What I am doing though, could have been a fast f I was not working and  starting a variety of projects during this period.

I am to eat only raw food for 40-days (no salt, no sugar, no condiments). It is a time for prayer and separating myself for God. I am not separating myself from people or regular activities. I am to live my life as normal, just a change of diet, more prayer and meditation of the Fruit of The spirit. When I get out of line (walk out of love) I need to right my wrongs as quickly as possible. This is a period where I need to humble myself and let God teach me how to relate to other human beings. The fruit of The Spirit must manifest in me so that the gifts of The Spirit can flow from Him through me in the way the He wants. Love comes first before the gifts. Love is the fulfillment of the law. I want to be in right standing with God.

The service today was amazing. From the first 'praise' songs there was a magnificent presence of The Holy Spirit. It did not take long before people were praying in the spirit and prophecies proclaimed. Our pastor almost did not preach because we were lost in the spirit for so long. It was so awesome! I saw visions, I got a personal prophecy, I cant explain.

One of the most amazing things is that my 2yr9month son was there. He normally does not sit still in church, wants to cling to me, cries, etc. I have been leaving him at home on Sundays. This Sunday, I just felt urged to take him with. I then prayed to God to take control. He never cried or complained once in church. Half the time he had his hands raised, his eyes closed, occasionally clapping and mumbling something. It was amazing. We were in church for so long (probably 3.5hrs - 4.5hrs). After church, his normally anti-social self went around hugging everyone. My jaw dropped. God is amazing!

Anyway, I believe this is a beginning of something phenomenal in my life. I believe that by the end of the 40-days, I will be a transformed creature, ready to push back the darkness of our times.

During this time, I am meditating on Fruits of the spirit (http://www.spirithome.com/fruitssp.html) and my purpose for this period is being guided by the book of Haggai. It is time to rebuild the temple where the glory of God will dwell and manifest greater than it has before. I am that temple.

I can feel a  testimony coming.
God is also freeing up finances for me. I feel wealthy already. Thank you Lord God Almighty!!!!
 

I am amazed at God's ability to just use people. It matters not what you can or cannot do, all I know is that when you avail yourself to God, He can do wonders through you. I read some old book once that said that, " God cannot do for man what He cannot do through man". I am not sure about the first 'cannot' part of it. Maybe it should change to 'prefers not to' instead.

I do realise that God wants us to be part of the process. In this way, we get to understand how The Kingdom works. I have always said that, "More real is the truth you find for yourself than the one you are told".

Sunday was awesome! Our pastors had to attend to an urgent matter and Lekunutu and I were informed on Sunday morning that we have to minister. I met him in the morning at his house and we started plotting on how we are going to handle this. It is amazing how God works. I shared my ideas and it was exactly what he had received while praying. So, we decided that it was going to be a tag team. We got our scripture and we went to church for intercession. We decided we were going to get people involved in the service and we were going to do things a little different. All went well, including the music. All we had, was our voices and the Djembe drum. You know how the Holy Spirit rolls...He made it all come together.

KunuTso

 This is big for us because it basically proved to us that God will do whatever He wants to do through whoever is willing. It taught us a great lesson. We had big shoes to fill. We did, however, remember that we are not our pastors and we should not try to imitate them. We were thrown in a deep end by The Holy Spirit is not limited.

The service was so awesome that we grew out of it. The preaching was on "Praise and Worship (especially in song)", using 2Chron20.

Thank you Father

I am humbled to be an instrument in your hand.

You are growing my faith....